Neither here nor there

They say that a person at the age of 15 or 16 is a “young adult”, and that it is the point in life when one starts thinking maturely. I wholeheartedly agreed when I was at the age, commending myself for dealing with all the academic, social and adolescent pressure. Later, after a few years in college, my opinion changed, and I decided that the time I had spent in hostel had contributed more to my maturity than my teenage years. But now after seven months of work experience, I realise with a sinking feeling that I am still struggling to be an adult and wondering if I will ever get there. In the transition from school to college, from college to corporate life, I have changed certainly. But have I really grown?

When I look back at the things I saw, heard and talked about back in school and college, the biggest concerns that my peers and I had back then seem now far too trivial for attention – whether a professor’s grudge would cause a dip in my grade, if a certain close friend had changed too much and messed with the dynamics of the clique, obsessing over ways to ask a girl/guy out and the contemplation of facing the consequences that follow, and many other such things. Important as they seemed at the time, once the notions of long term and future come into the picture, I find myself wondering why we spent so much time on them. On the other hand, after being so involved in people’s lives, I have now become a part of an office where I am forced to maintain strictly professional relationships, and sometimes it feels like it wouldn’t hurt to have a bit of all that silly college drama again, to get back some of the surprises and excitement that added a little colour to my life.  I feel caught in the middle of the two worlds, neither here nor there.

Being talkative and amicable by nature, I had my worst nightmare realised in corporate life – not fitting in anywhere. I have always been part of a social jungle, always managed to find a compatible set of friends to form a group with. One thing that hit me hard after joining work was the age diversity around me. All this while, no matter where I went, I could even connect with people who absolutely did not match my wavelength, simply because they were of my age group and that itself brought with it a lot of common ground. But when you see one colleague staying at home because he is still too hungover from last night’s party and another taking the day off to honour a family commitment, and you relate to neither of them, it gets a little unsettling. It can also get very lonely and frustrating at times, after being a part of an aggregation of badly behaved social embarrassments, to be required to maintain decorum and refine every sentence you say.

One thing that was rudely shattered for me was my laughably childish, fairy tale idea of a career. Back in my student days, I could just close my eyes and imagine myself fifteen years in the future and picture myself making a success of myself, and bask in my innocent confidence, certain that I had what it took to get there. But now, it is all a big blur, I had no idea what a job was like, and I certainly had no clue what a career really meant. And in all probability I still don’t, after these seven months. All I do know is that I was driven by short term aims until now - exams and admissions and placements - with no idea of where it would lead me. And now, with my whole life ahead of me, finally in my own hands, I am not sure what to do with it. Now, when I imagine myself fifteen years in the future, I draw a blank. Sometimes it feels like there are too many choices, and sometimes like there are none at all.

I wonder why I am not unhappy with my life, given the sudden flood of uncertainty, change and confusion. Maybe somewhere deep down, that innocent confidence is still working its magic. Or maybe because I still have a few of my old pillars to lean on.  I feel like a little kid again, needing guidance at every step, requiring protection and security from familiar people and waiting to grow up so that I can understand more.  If only I could be as carefree as one!